Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot to unpack here

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB