Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

normalize having existential bread

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

pls suprot

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.