Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.