Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

My wedding will be open casket.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*