I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.