Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cndnsd Mlk

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Merica.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

imagine getting destroyed like this

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist