Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

at ease…shoulder.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store