Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Me buying fruit and veg

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”