Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.