Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.