“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Most fashion shows these days…
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.