“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.