“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people