I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Baristas need to make a living wage because every time I work up a rapport with one enough to give me a friends & family discount, they end up leaving for a higher paying gig and I’m back to full priced lattes
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
we all know this pain all too well
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
called in thicc to work this morning
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.