I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
the world’s most popular steaming services
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.