I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian