Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison