i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
You Might Also Like
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.