Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.