I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?