I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Proctology is located in A55
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Somebody call the cops.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.