“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx