I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!