Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

#oldknees

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.