I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Hey i am sexy to you now
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”