I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?