I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor