I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…