Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

👻

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.