I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
