I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My dad is at it again
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
