I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
