Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

choose your gary

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

how to market bottled water to dads

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.