@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

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@Ygrene

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

@michaelianblack

Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@eeethanford

Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro

@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@MollyRingwraith

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

@mattZillaaaa

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”