i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you


Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn’t recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.


Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.


Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.


the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music


I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies


I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts