i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Pizza is an emotion right?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.