i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird


Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.


her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty


Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin’s friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
Kevin: bro


2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.


twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.


I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources


People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.


22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”