i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!