[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.