Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

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