Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Here’s a meme

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.