Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello