Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.