Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

new career option?

won’t smith

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.