“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple