“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
WTF
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
This is Sparta
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow