I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.


“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue


I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.


Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.


[barber shop]
BARBER: what can we do for you today?
MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat]
BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?


Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes


A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave


HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.