You Might Also Like
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
okay run it by me one more time
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*