@juliussharpe

I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

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@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

@KizerBillhelm

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

@ceejoyner

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[barber shop]
BARBER: what can we do for you today?
MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat]
BARBER:
MEDUSA:
BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@free_mattress

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.