TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”