Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

what do you want

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.