Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh