“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!