“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud