I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When he asks for feet pics
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”