I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article