I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
new wife guy just dropped
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads