I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination