Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
ugh not again
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
going to bed
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.