Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car