Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.