I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
#milo
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?