Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

I’m being attacked 😭

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case