Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

lost dog

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.