Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

From my Mom

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

multitasking lunch

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”