Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.