Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.