Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Lucky for them, they’re cute

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.