Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I cannot call her anything else now

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.