Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked