Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

here we go again

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.