Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

The biggest mystery of our time

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old