Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think both sides are to blame here

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!