Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.