Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Waiting for the Charmin

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

this was the best i’ve ever seen

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1649751169692999681/pu/vid/480x480/UQ0U1-M38Yrd_PtK.mp4?tag=12

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

they really do be looking like this

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like