Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

“HELP WITH CAT”

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective