*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Hero horse inspires millions
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox