Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I created you as mosquito food.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Did my cat write this